Snow White's Face Has Been Marred
by Mimzay-Peach
Summary: Full title: Remus Lupin and the Possibility of Snow White's Face Being Marred Beyond All Reason. Or Why Remus Lupin punched Sirius Black in the Face. An inside look at Remus Lupin's mind, Remus Lupin's journal, and how he deals with life.
1. The First Journal Entry

**Title:** Remus Lupin and the Possibility of Snow White's Face Being Marred Beyond All Reason.  
**Pairing:** Remus/Sirius  
**Rating:** R overall. (heavy)PG-13 this part.  
**Word Count:** 991  
**Genre: **Humor/Romance  
**Chapter: **1/??  
**Summary:** Or, why Remus Lupin punched Sirius Black in the face.  
**Warnings: **Swearing, brief sexual content and implied sex, teenage angst, incoherent thoughts, overall ridiculousness.  
**Notes:** Normally, I'm not a fan of Gryffinwhore!Sirius...but in this case, I was glad to toss aside my usual idea of Sirius for this fic. :) Oh, and this is a slash fic. If you don't like, then don't read...duh.  
**Disclaimer: **DO NOT OWN!!! D

**Chapter One- The First Journal Entry: In Which Remus Lupin Refers to Himself in the Third Person.**

Remus Lupin was infuriated. Not that he would show it, of course, but he was quite angry. He kept on a calm smile during class, and took down notes. He laughed at dinner when James came back from the other end of the table with purple boils on his newly acquired unicorn horn. He spoke quietly with Lily during their rounds as prefects.

Remus Lupin was infuriated because he was in love. Now, one would usually think that a good thing, right? Oh, yes, absolutely. Being in love is supposed to be like heaven on Earth.

He wanted to kill whoever came up with that bit of tosh.

Remus Lupin was infuriated because he was in love with one of his best friends. That doesn't sound too awful, right? After all, lovers are supposed to be best friends with some shagging thrown in. Not so. You see, Remus Lupin was not only in love with one of his best friends, but one of his extremely male, extremely STRAIGHT best friends.

Remus Lupin was infuriated because not only was he in love with one of his extremely male and extremely straight friends, but he was also a werewolf.

Well…actually, that bit had nothing to do with being in love. That just overall made him angry.

Anyway, the point is that Remus Lupin was infuriated because he was in love with one of his best friends. The best friend is Sirius Black, just in case that needed clearing up. Not James Potter, who looked like he had never discovered a hairbrush and had a few spots on his chin instead of whiskers. Nor was it Peter Pettigrew, who always went to Remus with questions about the latest essay that McGonagall assigned, bit his lips to oblivion and often acted more like a Hufflepuff than a Gryffindor. (Not that there's anything wrong with Hufflepuffs)

No, Remus Lupin was in love with Sirius Black. Sirius Black looked like he was carved by Michelangelo, had hopped out of the story Snow White, and that the bloody Tooth Fairy had cleaned his teeth every morning and night. Sirius Black was known for shagging anyone with a skirt on, though Remus quickly discarded the thought of himself in a skirt due to not wanting to humiliate and/or out himself to the school. Sirius Black was also a fucking enormous git who had no true feeling of compassion or nice in his body.

Oh, Remus Lupin was in deep shit. How could he fall in love with such a terror of a boy? Of course, not the looking fucking brilliant bit, but the shagging birds and being a wanker (not literally, since OBVIOUSLY he was shagging every bird in school…bastard…) bits.

Now, without proper evidence of Sirius Black's git-ness, one could assume that Remus Lupin was merely bitter because Sirius Black was busy shagging "that cute little blonde Ravenclaw with the round tits and pink lips, remember her, Moony?" instead of Remus Lupin, but no. It was much more than that.

Sirius Black found enjoyment in torturing others. Well, I suppose that depends on the definition of torture, but in the eyes of many Slytherins that Remus Lupin had had the inconvenience of talking to about Sirius Black, being forced to wear pink and white knickers while being hung by their ankles in the Great Hall was the worst kind of torture imaginable.

Remus Lupin did NOT laugh when this unfortunate event happened, because he was a Prefect and very kind and…Sirius Black was an enormous git. A very attractive git, who had smiled widely at the sight of Slytherins being humiliated and winked at Remus Lupin with a very conspiring look in his eye, but a git nonetheless. Perhaps Remus Lupin did laugh just to humor Sirius Black, but he only let out a small, choked, and broken by puberty "ha-ha" that was engulfed by the uproar of screaming laughter of every other House in the Great Hall.

So, Sirius Black liked to torture people by means of humiliation and overall emotional distress. He never meant to really hurt anyone; just let them know that he was their superior (which Remus Lupin thought was very Slytherin and very disgraceful and VERY like Sirius Black's awful family, but he never voiced that aloud) and a complete and royal git. Okay, maybe not to prove that he was a git, but still, it was git-like behavior, was it not?

Sirius Black was also a tart, a floozy, an absolute whore. And that really made Remus Lupin angry. It certainly wasn't because Remus Lupin wasn't getting shagged by Sirius Black. No, absolutely not! It was the principle of it all! Sirius Black would go out and shag some nameless girl with her giggles and whispers and perfume and skirt and batting eyes…and then Sirius Black would dump the girl and move onto another one, leaving "That Matilda, wow, she's a fucking cat in bed, Remus. Mee-ow!" for "'Oh, Johanna!''….My name is Emily, arsehole''…OHHHH, EMILY!''Oh, Merlin! Shut up, Padfoot, or cast a silencing charm!''You shut up, Prongs! I'm with lovely Johanna—''Emily!''Right now and would like to shag her in PEACE!'". Needless to say, Remus Lupin rather disliked Sirius Black's mating habits. Not only were they disrespectful to the girls at Hogwarts, but Remus Lupin would often lose sleep when Sirius Black brought a girl back to the dorm. Remus Lupin would be highly aware of what was going on and would either try to suffocate himself with his pillow or roll his eyes, hesitantly reach a hand down, and wank himself to breaking point.

Depending on who was moaning, of course.

And Remus Lupin hated wanking more than anything. It simply reminded him that he didn't have Sirius Black. Emily or Johanna or Matilda or Comet or Cupid or Donner or BLITZEN had Sirius-Bloody-Black.

Oh. Remus Lupin was bloody infuriated, and he was ready to let Sirius Black know it.


	2. In Which Remus Lupin Breaks His Quill

**Title:** Remus Lupin and the Possibility of Snow White's Face Being Marred Beyond All Reason.  
**Pairing:** Remus/Sirius  
**Rating:** R overall  
**Word Count:** 1752/??  
**Genre: **Humor/Romance  
**Chapter: **2/??  
**Summary:** Or, why Remus Lupin punched Sirius Black in the face.  
**Warnings: **LOTS of swearing, Quills being harmed, more angst, Sirius being a tease.  
**Notes:**I'm having so much fun with this. So. Much. Fun. I have a LOT planned. Thanks so much for the reviews and alerts and favs! They mean a lot :D Enjoy this next bit!  
**Disclaimer: **Not mine.

Chapter Two: In Which Remus Lupin Breaks His Quill and Sirius Black Is Steve Irwin.

Remus smiled to himself and put a date at the top of the paper. November 14th, 1976. He put down the quill and stretched out his hand, sighing. He leaned back for a moment before leaning forward to read what he'd written. He then frowned as he looked over the messy page of the muggle journal he wrote in. The journal was empty before he'd written this entry. He'd meant to simply introduce himself, but he felt the urge to just come out and say it.

He was fucking angry.

He was fucking sexually frustrated.

He was fucking keeping this inside so he could at least try to live his life.

He was also very fucking prone to referring to himself in the third person, which he found kind of strange.

His mother had sent him a journal when Remus sent her a letter that read

Dear Mum and Da,

School's fine. I'm well. Yes, mum, I've been eating. The moon came and went. Write later.

-Remus

See, to Jeanette Lupin, that was Remus-Talk for "Mum, I'm considering committing suicide. Send help now."

What it actually meant was "Mum, I'd love to write more and tell you all about how I am, but James and Sirius are trying to physically drag me out of the dorm into some wacky, mischievous and possibly illegal plot they conspired but moments ago! Love, Remus—AGH! GERROFF!"

Remus had gotten the journal the morning of Halloween. The package nearly fell into his breakfast, but he managed to grab it before his toast was squished. Attached to the brown package was a letter. Remus, having been brought up properly, read the letter before opening the package. The letter read:

"My Little Pup"

Remus went red and coughed before continuing to read. He loved his mother, but he wasn't a child anymore.

"I figured you might be at an age where you want to write your thoughts down. Or at least find some way of getting them out. Don't let your emotions build up, Remus! It's not good for you! I'm glad that the moon passed well, and please…PLEASE, don't do anything drastic or reckless that might result in you getting hurt! We love you, Remus!"

Remus looked at the letter, shook his head, and then continued.

"Anyway, write down your thoughts. Speak to someone if you have to. Phone..erm...Floo...erm...Owl us if you need to."

Remus smiled. Even being married to Da for nearly two decades hadn't gotten her used to Wizarding methods of communication. Probably because her side of the family was still in Manchester while the Lupin trio was in Edinburgh and telephones were the only way to contact them quickly. And Mum still thought the Floo was fascinating, so she wanted Remus or his father to use it whenever they could. Da loved it when they flooed because Jeanette would get all excited and start giggling and hopping up and down.

"Write me back, though!

Love, love, love!

Mum and Da  
XOXO"

And so Remus opened the package to find a leather journal. Raising an eyebrow, Remus had opened the small buckle-like clasp holding the journal shut and looked through the pages of white. "Whatchu you got there, Moony?" Sirius had asked his mouth full of bacon. This inquiry had caught the attention of James, who was busy trying to sneak Peter's toast, and Peter, who caught James and yelped out a, "OI! MY TOAST! HANDS OFF!"

"Oooh, Moony got a present?" James asked, leaning over the table to see what Remus had gotten. "It's nothing much," Remus had said, shrugging and putting the journal in his bag. "Looked like a book of some kind," Peter said.

"No, really? Moony getting a book, of all things?" Sirius laughed, choking on his bacon. Remus rolled his eyes as James performed the Heimlich maneuver on Sirius.

"Right, well, I'm off to class. Meet me there once you stop dying, yeah?" He said, standing and adjusting his bag on his shoulder.

He'd forgotten all about the journal until November 14th when he was walking in the hallway and suddenly tripped over something. He'd let out a huge yelp and fell on his hands and knees. He looked around to see if someone had tripped him, but he was the only one in the hallway. Sighing, he'd looked at his ripped trousers, muttered a swear then proceeded to clean up the contents spilled from his bag. His ink bottle was broken—"Oh, that's just lovely…"—and his favorite quill's feathers were all ruffled. He'd just finished putting his extra parchment into his bag when he saw the journal.

He'd picked it up and looked at it for a moment.

Then decided to write in it.

When Remus was sitting in the corner of the library, surrounded by his textbooks, journal in front of him, he'd had no idea what to write. And then Sirius came along and caused a ruckus.  
"Lo! I see a swot in his natural habitat! Watch as he holds the quill in a refined and adult manner and how he glances frequently at his textbook." He'd stage-whispered to no one, holding his hands up to one eye as if looking through a telescope.

"Yes, hilarious, Padfoot. However, I am not a swot. I am an average student who has to study to pass tests, unlike you," Remus had replied, leaning back in his chair. Sirius tsk'd at him.

"Remus, Remus, Remus…You most certainly are a swot. Even those who study take some time off. And sorry, I can't help it if I'm brilliant," he grinned, taking the seat opposite Remus and leaning forward, batting his eyes.

Remus blinked at him for a moment then looked down at the journal, still contemplating.

Sirius made a sucking noise through his teeth, then tapped the table with his fingers, then started to make a headache inducing tune out of both elements. Remus sighed through his nose and looked up. "What, Padfoot?"

"Hrm? Oh, nothing! Just thinking up another verse for 'Wizards Do It With Their Wands'!" Sirius tipped back in his chair.

"…Really?"

"No, actually." Sirius had leaned forward again, the front legs of the chair making an echoing "KTCHH, SCHREEECH!" sound when he did. Madam Pince looked up and glared at him. Sirius waved back at her over his shoulder and gave her a grin. She shh'd him. Sirius nodded, a serious face masking his amusement as he lifted a finger to his lips. Madam Pince glared at Remus as well, and Remus smiled apologetically at her before she turned back to her card catalogue organizing and, when she had turned, frowned at Sirius. "Then what is it?" He'd whispered.

Sirius let out a strangely feminine giggle. Remus gave him a slightly disturbed look.

"We-ell, Loony, Moony, Moonshine—"

"Get on with it, Padfoot," Remus chuckled, tapping the sharp edge of the quill on the table lightly. Nervous habits were hard to break.

"You see…" Sirius pouted out his lower lip slightly.

"I was wondering…" he leaned forward a bit more.

Remus gulped, the quill tapping faster, in time with his heartbeat. 'Ohhh, dear God,' he thought.

"If--…." Sirius broke off when his face got halfway across the table then stopped due to the table being between them. Sirius glared at the irritating slab of wood. "Just a mo," he muttered.

He scooted his chair over, making the horrible sound as he did—Pince looked up again and gave him a glare that could kill someone that was already dead-- and ended up at the end of the table, almost next to Remus. "If maybe…You would…" he was now able to lean forward, close to Remus.

Remus gulped again. "Yes?" he asked, mentally wincing at how hoarse his voice sounded.

Sirius suddenly pulled away and took a piece of parchment from his pocket, putting it in front of Remus. "Research this plant for Jamie and me? We want to make this wicked potion…but, y'know, we're far too busy with planning to look up the silly little stuff," Sirius said.

Remus blinked, heart—and other significant parts of his body—deflating.

"Plus, we need a swot—"

"I'm not a swot," Remus growled.

Sirius ignored him. "--To look it up. And since we don't know any Ravenclaws well enough, you're perfect for the job!"

Remus blinked down at the parchment, then at Sirius' grinning face. Sirius stood up.

"You get it, yeah? Thank you, Moonshine," he sang, blowing him a kiss and walking off.

Remus was slack-jawed. He was humiliated. He was angry. He was…strangely aroused by the way Sirius' arse looked in his robes.

"Madeline!" Sirius crowed at a redheaded Hufflepuff walking in. She squeaked and blushed. Remus recognized her as a fifth year Prefect that blushed and giggled a lot in meetings while shooting coy glances at the seventh year boys.

Sirius put an arm over her shoulders and let his award winning smile show. "So, Madeline, you know the password to the Prefect's bath, right?"

Remus loved that he could hear well, since Sirius whispering to her just to the side of the entrance.

Madeline nodded and giggled. Remus twitched, clutching the quill tightly.

Sirius giggled in turn. "Good girl! Now, meet me when the clock strikes 8, and not a minute later, all right, my little Maddy-Waddy-Boo?"

Remus scrunched up his nose and clutched his quill tighter.

Madeline sighed. "Of, course, Sirius…"

"Good!" Sirius crowed, giving her a firm kiss on the lips and then pulling away. A bawling Ravenclaw girl ran out at that point, followed by about three other girls who were trying to console her.

He patted Madeline's backside before winking and walking off.

Remus broke his quill.

Looking down at his broken quill, Remus knew exactly what to write about. Now he just needed to find another quill.

When Remus, who had found another quill in his bag, looked over his journal entry, he admitted to himself that maybe his mum had been right. Maybe he did need an outlet. He was certainly shocked by the amount of anger he possessed. He looked at the journal once more before closing it and putting it in his bag. He looked at the bit of parchment Sirius had left and rolled his eyes, grabbing that and stuffing it in his pocket. He'd look it up later. Right now, he needed to think a bit more. He grabbed his bag and then headed for the exit of the library.


	3. In Which Lily Evans Is Introduced

Disclaimer: I Do Not Own The Characters :)

Note(s): Thanks so much for the reviews, guys! I would love some more, though, because I'm a greedy American XD Really, though, it means a lot :)

Rating: R Overall, PG-13 this chapter

Word count of chapter:1158

**

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Chapter Three: In Which James Potter Thinks That Remus Lupin Gets A Bit Too Cozy With Lily Evans, Even Though Remus Lupin Isn't Interested In Anyone That Doesn't Have A Cock. And Not The Poultry Kind.

* * *

**

"You ever think that maybe Black is…I don't know…compensating for something?" Lily Evans asked, turning her head to look at Remus. The wind lightly ruffled her hair and she had to move it out of her face a few times as she spoke.

After Remus had left the library, he'd run into her and she apparently had a sixth sense for teenage angst. She had grabbed his arm, dragged him outside to the lake, sat down, and then offered him (read: bribed him with) a half a bar of Honeyduke's Finest. They both lay down, staring at the clouds, munching on chocolate as Remus explained why he was suddenly moody.

Lily furrowed her eyebrows and looked at him for a minute, popping a piece of chocolate into her mouth. Remus stared up at the sky then raised an eyebrow. "What would he be compensating for?" he asked. "Certainly not his prick," he continued. Lily snorted.

"What? Not that I've…looked or anything, but, I mean, he does live in my dorm and is a bit of an exhibitionist," Remus looked at her. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, he wouldn't be compensating for his prick size because he's got a decent prick," Remus looked up at the sky again. "A…very decent prick." He muttered.

Lily kicked him in the calf. "Oi, focus," she scolded. Remus went red. "Sorry," he muttered, biting into the chocolate.

"Anyway, as I was saying, he's most likely compensating for something," Lily said, nodding.

"Yes, you said that, but what?"

"…Maybe he's the biggest poofter alive?"

"Hey, oi!" Remus glared.

"Sorry, I forgot that was your title," Lily giggled as Remus nudged her shoulder. "I mean it," she said, still giggling a bit.

"Oh, but that'd be too perfect," Remus muttered. He sighed heavily as Lily looked over at him.

"Maybe…but it would make sense, wouldn't it? No one can have such a sex drive that they feel the need to make their way through an entire half of the female population," Lily stated.

Remus laughed. "Darling, you obviously don't know Sirius all that well."

Lily frowned. "Then enlighten me," she said.

Remus opened his mouth to reply, then realized that he really couldn't. "Erm," he said.

Lily smirked at him. Remus glared. "Well…he gets bored quickly," he said, mentally slapping himself.

Lily cried out in triumph. "See? That would just give him more reason to start shagging boys—"

"LILY!"

"Well, it would! He'd get so bored with girls that he'd want to experiment!"

Her grin turned evil. "And you'll be right there to lead him on the way to sodomy and homosexual debauchery!"

Remus looked at her like she had sprung two heads. "…I don't understand your logic," he finally muttered. Lily laughed. "You'll see, darling," she said, slipping her hand into his and squeezing lightly. "You'll see…"

* * *

When Remus went back up to the dorm, he was expecting it to be empty, since it was nearing dinner and the other three were usually in the Great Hall early. He was not expecting the angry face of James Potter.

" 'Lo, James," Remus said, walking past James, who was standing a few feet away from the door, legs shoulder width apart and fists on his hips. James didn't move as Remus walked past him, but he did finally shake his head and turn around when Remus was taking off his outer robe and putting it on his bed. He rushed over to Remus' bed and resumed his pose, angry face and all. Remus was now looking through his bag, humming a tune under his breath.

"…'Lo, yourself, Remus," James said, trying to be menacing, but failing, since his glasses were a bit off center and his voice cracked as he said "yourself".

Remus looked up. "Erm…I don't think I need to greet myself, really," Remus looked back down again. James spluttered indignantly before regaining his composure. "So," he said. "You and Lily sure were getting…cozy…with each other."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Oh, were we?" Remus was used to being hounded by James about Lily since the two spent so much time together.

"You were holding hands!"

Remus finally looked up. "...How on Earth could you see that? We were hidden away and—"he stopped himself when James' mouth dropped and his composure fell. That had sounded wrong. Like a hidden affair. Shit.

"E-erm…that came out wrong," Remus shook his head, backing away when James pushed his glasses up his nose and frowned.

"Ohhhh, really!?" James exclaimed, trembling a bit. Remus backed away a little more and was planning on making a run for it when he tripped and fell back on the bed next to his (Oh, lovely, Sirius had crumbs in his bed…ew), yelping. James flew over Remus' bed, yelling loudly, sounding similar to Tarzan. Remus screamed in turn and rolled backwards off the bed, falling to his hands and knees. "It isn't what you think! We're friends! Just friends! Good friends! For God's sake, James, stop trying to hex me and listen-OW!" Remus yelled when James hit him with a Stinging hex. Remus made a run for the door, even though his arse now hurt like mad, and thought to himself, 'Where the hell are Sirius and Peter when you need them!?' before the door opened.

And hit him in the nose.

…Ow…ow…fuckity….OW.

"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's going on here?" Sirius inquired with one hand on the door, the other on his hip. Remus groaned in pain, both hands covering his nose. James ran towards Remus again, who let out a muffled scream through his hand muzzle. "Oh, tut, tut, tut! What the hell, Prongs?" Sirius cried, grabbing at the back of James' shirt and pulling him back. James let out a choking gulp and then pushed his glasses up his nose again, face red. He panted heavily. "Remus is shagging Lily!"

"What?!" Remus and Sirius said this in unison, one high pitched and disbelieving, the other low, muffled and distressed.

The silence was deafening until Sirius let out a large guffaw and doubled over, laughing hysterically.

"Jamie, Remus can't be shagging Lily!"

Remus nodded. "Oh, schee? Dank joo, Si-"

"He's far too busy shagging his books and thinking of the next essay to shag her," Sirius grinned.

Remus glared at him. "Oh, pissh off."

It was at this point that Peter walked in, checking his watch, and ready to let his dorm mates know that dinner was almost bloody over. Hell, they were going to miss dessert if they didn't leave soon.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw James disheveled and pointing at Remus. Remus was huddled next to the door, covering his face with blood covered hands. He was glaring at Sirius who was almost on the floor, laughing.

"So," he cleared his throat. "What'd I miss, then?"

Both Remus and Sirius had to go to Madam Pomfrey for a broken nose and lack of oxygen, respectively.

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Reviews are lovely, as always :) Don't expect the next chapter soon, though. College is a bitch and I have writer's block ;_;


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